


Fade to Grey

by MandalVandal



Category: The Marlows - Antonia Forest
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2018-12-25 15:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12038934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandalVandal/pseuds/MandalVandal
Summary: The story is set intially after Run away home - time period around then or more around Attic term. I have always been fascinated with the character of Ann and as much as I adore Antonia Forests work I alsways felt she underdeveloped her - and she could have had so much fun with her, so I have decided to instead, story has been i my head a long while it will cover all the other books as well sort of but staying in the 70s for sake of sanity





	1. Chapter 1

She nearly did faint but ever she knew what to do and put her head between her knees – but could not stop her mind going round 90 miles an hour, they did not trust me, they did not trust me, why did they not, they don’t trust me and it sickened her. Anne felt betrayed by her brothers and sisters. She always knew she was the odd one out. Neither part of the elder set nor one of the younger ones, firmly in the middle on her own. She was also aware she viewed life differently from the rest of her family. She did not see everything in black white but shades of grey. Now what was over riding her thoughts at the moment, was anger, no anger was the wrong emotion. She felt bereft. They had deliberately lied to her, to justify their actions, never more so than ever did it show how she was the only member of the family who seemed to compromise. She could not stand to be around them.

She had to go upstairs she could not face her siblings now at this moment. She wanted to cry but she was so used to being the stoic one even if times she did not feel particularly stoic. She knew who would make her feel better. She longed to feel their arms wrapped around her telling her everything was all right, but they were not here – but she could phone them it was not too late!– She bundled up against the cold and crept down the stairs and slipped out of the house and walked down the lane to the phone box. She knew their number by heart. She hoped they would answer. They did, Ann cried as she heard Jan’s voice.


	2. Chapter 2

‘Sweetheart what is the matter?’ Jan was all concern; they had only spoken that morning. Ann Tumbled out incoherently some of the story but the pips went. She put the phone down and waited – Jan knew this phone number off by heart. She had time to compose herself before Jan phoned her back.  
Jan listened and offered appropriate comment and refrained from her usual urging for Ann to put herself first and not give into family pressures and expectations.   
Ann felt so much better after listening to her girlfriend – she had missed her that term and had hoped to have gone to visit her after Christmas but with the Ginty business and Grandma being ill and mother going had thrown that plan out the window as Ann had yet again put the others first. What good had that done her. She had enjoyed her Christmas and loved helping out with the pantomime but this betrayal 

Ann Thought about things Jan had said. Having a plan seemed to calm Ann down as she walked back to Trennels'

Ann was not sure how she would cope with her siblings now - Even Karen and Ginty, who had not been involved – she knew for sure if Ginty had been there she would have acted like the others – Karen had changed so much since being married, Ann knew Karen was not happy with her choices and was now realising the monumental mistake she had made but as she, Karen had always been closed off from the rest of the family, except for Rowan, Ann could not hope to have support or an ally from her so ... Lets just focus on Jan’s advice, just focus on me,lets be just like the rest of the family, numero uno first. I will talk when I have to, help when I have to and just make sure I concentrate on my dreams. With this resolve Ann came downstairs for breakfast the next morning and tried to interact as normal – it was difficult especially with Rowan’s betrayal was the worse – no she would not go there.

The Family did notice, well Rowan noticed, who knew what Lawrie ever noticed, if it did not mean it was to her advantage, Peter and Giles were still recovering from their ordeal, Nicola was initially her usual bumptious self towards Ann and was ignoring her but soon realised very quickly when they were making plans to make sure everything looked shipshape and Bristol fashion, that Ann did not offer to help. In fact Ann quickly disappeared after breakfast. Rowan was anxious about Ann, she most of all understood Ann, and the amount of compromise she had been compelled for the sake of the family. Pretty much as she had, but whereas she Rowan was popular in the family, Ann was not so, and therefore tended to over compensate. Ann though trying, had obviously been still clearly upset with everyone lying to her.Rowan was at a loss as to what to do to make it up to Ann, so in usual Rowan fashion she decided to wait and see and hope it would work out in the wash.

One thing she knew she could not broach with Ann was whether she would tell Mother what had happened.

After Ann had disappeared that was the topic of conversation but Rowan had already made the decision she would come clean about it all to her, Giles reluctantly supported her on this it was the younger siblings who baulked at this.

Ann was again absent when their mother was told, who was rightly very angry especially with Giles and Rowan, they were going to leave out about Ann but decided to come clean, this made Mrs Marlow even more angry, she had always been aware how unfair Ann’s siblings were towards her, in fact which made Mrs Marlow sad, because of all her children, Ann’s kindness and generosity was so beautiful in fact she always felt she was actually more beautiful than Ginty outwardly as well, but because she was unaware of her beauty it tended to be overlooked more well Ann full stop.

When Karen found out she was also angry, though she never showed it as she was a pretty self absorbed individual much like her youngest sister, it was tempered by being the eldest girl, and she always had a soft spot for Ann, and she was agast at Rowan’s stupidity, Giles she had come to expect as the second eldest she observed how spoilt Giles was, particulary by their chauvinistic absent father, who she had little time for, so Ann had allies in the family that she did not realise she had.

Lawrie finally discovered the change in Ann when she had to pack her own school trunk and suitcase. Ann was definitely missing in action, she could be rarely found. If she was in her room she was clearly doing her school work and not be disturbed, otherwise the only time people really saw her was at meal times, when she was always pleasant if asked a question but now never ever started or contributed to general conversations. When she was not working she was out of the house where she went no one knew. At first everyone thought she was visiting Karen, but Karen said she had not seen her since the last pantomime – so it wasn’t that. This perplexed both Rowan and Mrs Marlow. Rowan decided inaction was not the best course but Ann dismissed with a smile and not to worry it was all forgotten and forgiven though it clearly was not.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking back and exploring how Jan and Ann love each other

Ann got back to school relieved that she did not have to wear her mask so much, though she did though miss her daily phone calls to Jan. She would just have to last until Easter an then she would get to see her love. Even if for the first time in her life it meant that she had to be disobedient, she would, regardless of whatever family crisis involving her siblings was going on, she was not going to be there. She would be with Jan. Though it went against her personality, she was determined to be tough and think about herself – she was going to be selfish. (She gulped at the thought.)

Ann found a quiet place amongst the chimneys up on the roof, their spot, hers and Jan’s. It was nice and sheltered here and in the winter sun not too cold, though she was glad of her coat. She hoped she would not run into Nicola up here, she heard from Jan, how she, Jan had run into Nicola here last summer – when all the Prosser business was going on. Ann was so relieved that she had been busy with her O’ levels as some of the things her and Jan had got upto on the roof last Summer were very much Xrated to say the least.

Ann thought back further to the time when they realised that their feelings for one another were mutual and real, not just schoolgirl crush, symptomatic of growing up in an all-female environment. The realisation for Ann happened after guides one evening. Nicola had been particularly beastly to her. Ann knew she could be annoying, but being helpful was her default drive, and she truly believed in the Christian teaching of love one another as you would yourself and love your neighbour but it made Nic furious and Ann walked in to Nic’s fury time and time again.

Ann was feeling particularly hurt, Guides was usually a soothing balm to her hurt feelings. However on this occasion, even a Guide meeting had not been enough her as she still wanted to cry. This she never did in front of people, especially her sisters, as they already scorned her for her kindness, which the considered too drippy for words, to cry on top of that, she would be considered totally beyond the pale.

Ann had not realised Jan had entered the hut, ostensibly looking for Redmond. Ann blushed at the thought of being alone with her. Ann was aware of having a massive crush on Jan; she tried to be circumspect about it, as she had the same view as her sisters of people being drippy about their pashes. Ann had been aware since the beginning of term that maybe this mammoth crush of Jan Scott was more than a phase, mainly because she found it difficult to think coherently around her. Ann thought about Jan so much, that she was aware that if she did not control herself, she would be finding some excuse to be near Jan as often as possible. So when she was suddenly aware of Jan was approaching her, she almost swooned. 

Ann did not think Jan even knew of her existence. The fact that cool, beautiful Jan was coming to talk to her, the boring ugly one of the Marlows amazed her. She then realised it was out of pity because she felt a tear of self-pity tracking down her cheek. That was all she needed but here was Jan with nothing but kindness and concern in her eyes with smile asking what had got her out of sorts, In fact she looked hurt. Ann weighed up to see if it was genuine care or just politeness. Her mind caught up with the fact that Jan seemed to recognise her moods, almost as though she had been observing her, aware of her. Because of her feelings for Jan were in melt down over their proximity, She heard herself, spilling all to Jan, before her horrified brain caught up with her, about her little sisters being their usual self-involved beastly selves and not thinking that what they said could actually hurt and that even she actually had feelings. Too Ann’s relief rather than a polite response, Jan grinned at her and said older brothers are just as bad! Tell me about it said Ann, mine are just as bad in fact at times all siblings are. Jan grinned at that. 

Then to Ann’s amazement, Jan then took a deep breath as though deciding something, how about next time you are down to go to Strewminister maybe you would consider meeting up for a cup of tea after you have done your shopping? I know this great café well away from the usual stomping grounds, so you are not likely to bump into your sisters and we can swap sibling stories.

Ann blushed, okay so she was now in the lower Vth so could go to Strewminister every other weekend, but to be asked to tea by a lower 6th , one that she had this crush on well … she heard herself accepting with alacrity and was amazed at herself. She did not notice Jan blushing at her acceptance.

They met as planned and had a wonderful time. So much so that Jan suggested they repeat it, so they did. Ann then tentatively suggested perhaps the alternate weekends they sit and gossip in the guide equipment hut. Ann held her breath, as the suggestion reeked of clandestine meetings, but Jan merely smiled and seemed delighted, in her cool way, at the plan. 

The sit and gossip meet in the guide hut started innocently, but then… and to this day, neither could say, how it started or who initiated it, but they then began kissing and Ann felt she now knew what heaven was like. There was no rushing out of the hut in embarrassment or awkwardness, they just grinned at each other in acknowledgement and an understanding that neither realised they had, and started kissing some more.

It became the practice that they would, meet separately, either in the Strewminister for tea or the Hut to kiss the other Saturday – unless, it was messed up by Jan having an afternoon Netball match rather than a morning one. 

During the week they established evening Library time – the last hour of the school library opening time was usually empty, as the prefect designated Librarian, Jan timetabled herself for this slot, so that she and Ann could have quiet but very innocent time together. These library times were sometimes very hard because the desire to kiss was strong, so they went in for clandestine handholding, as a poor substitute.

One Friday Jan suggested something very daring and was not sure how Ann would react to the suggestion. Jan had booked a hotel for the weekend of half term for the two of them; If Ann could get away – pretending she was going home for friends. They could spend half term away alone together. Ann knew what Jan was suggesting, she was unsure how ready she was for the next step, but she knew if she were not ready, they would still be together and enjoy each other’s company. The great thing about Jan, was that Ann felt comfortable and safe to share her thought processes with her. It was mutual Jan indicated she felt the same. The Half term plans then were a green light, and then the twins had to ruin it by being involved with a rick going up in smoke, on a guide hike. Consequently, it was a ‘three line whip’ to be at home for half term. Ann could have cried at the injustice of it all! It transpired that both her parents thought it was her fault that:-

a) (As it was a guide thing) Ann was responsible for the twin’s involvement, even though she had been nowhere near them, her parents did not get the whole patrol ethos thing.

b) That she had not properly defended the twins who as a result had been suspended by Redmond, from the guides.

If it had not been for dear Rowan defending her she did not know what she would have done something stupid, and reckless no doubt.   
When Ann got back to school, she hesitantly suggested that perhaps they might manage an afternoon in a hotel instead. It was not the same as a weekend but… Jan grinned but said she wanted it to be special for the both of them, as it would be both of their’ s first time and an afternoon would not do it justice. Ann blushed. Jan did though have a plan for after Christmas. If Ann was able to get away after boxing day for a week, they could go to Jan’s lovely holiday cottage in Devon, which unlike half term would not be in use by any of the family. They could have a week together – on their own, if Ann would not mind lying and being with a friend instead.

It was arranged!

Ann sighed looking back at their magic first time together. It was said that first times are not always the best, but for Ann because they were both novices and had nothing to prove, learning together seemed to make it extra special, making it magical. Admittedly, the more they made love the more special and the heights they took each other to… Ann blushed at the memories.

Jan was at University missing Ann equally. She too was looking back at their relationship, though dwelling more on when it became serious and adult. The first time was an unexpected heaven. In fact, that whole week Jan had been on cloud nine. She never thought lovemaking could be so wonderful. Jan was also aware though that her beloved Ann was conflicted. One of the wonderful things about their relationship was they could be open with one another, confident that the other would listen to the other and not jump to conclusions, so Jan did not take it personally when Ann admitted to the conflict. Ann’s faith was important to her, but the people in church, all seemed to say being a lesbian was wrong, but Ann could not understand how this could be, it did not feel wrong, God would not be cruel and make her this way to be reviled. He was a God of love, the commandments of love underlined this and yet all the current teaching and thinking in the church seemed to run contrary to that. Ann could not not go to church but she also felt wrong in hiding who she was! Ann by nature was an open generous soul. She had always trusted those in authority, but t doubts were beginning to creep in that not everything was black and white, as she had been told. There were two sides to everything!

To Jan that made Ann even more special and if at all possible, made her love Ann even more. To help Ann she talked about how it may be a temporary time and that eventually she would find a church that did not or in fact supported who she was. A church of true Christian principles. In the meantime though Jan had no faith whenever she could, she would go to church with Ann to support her. Ann would tell her how much she appreciated this gesture and it made her love Jan more. It also made Jan tear up to the fact no one had ever put Ann before themselves, unselfishly it was always Ann, the one doing.

Jan could see how Ann’s love for the world could so easily burn her out. A least Ann was losing her naiveté, though thankfully not her innocence and kindness – Jan knew Ann hated the fact that she could not help herself with her over whelming need to be helpful. This at is most compelling when it came to her family. Jan knew it came from in part a place of insecurity and the other she was a genially a kind, nice person to whom sarcasm was a foreign language.


End file.
